Letters 2024
Letter 78
18-12-2024 (at home)
Dear D,
Christmas is less than a week away, how did that happen? It might feel as if time is passing so quickly it is out of our control and we don’t have time to do the stuff we would like to do. But if I look over my recent diary, it isn’t like that at all, so much has happened, but it all gets jumbled together. For the first time in my life, I went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, in July. It was very inspiring, making me wonder why I hadn’t gone previously. In October I visited my sister in Majorca, and we travelled together with friends to do another 100 Km of the Camino into Santiago. In November I had a lovely visit to Prague and around Czechia to see members of my family and relatives. Prague is my second most favourite city, and I have great memories in the country. The Camino is a great way to experience a new section of countryside, from eye level, past fields & trees and into villages, meeting people, eating locally. This was the third year in succession that I have done the 100Km walk, always into Santiago, only this time we went beyond and saw Finisterre, on the Atlantic, what they thought was the end of the world in the Middle Ages, and which might as well have been, as the next stop if you set off from there was the Americas. I felt so at home the with wild weather and heavy seas and stories of shipping disasters and bravery. I know you would love the experience of doing the Camino, I wouldn’t be too surprised if you already had done part of it. I think that I will do another two sections in the next two years and can only dream that you could join me. You come so clearly into my focus these days as Christmas approaches with shorter days ending early to bring on the darkness, coloured lights in random houses, bright decorated shop windows, the sound of Christmas carols, memories of buying a Christmas tree with you to decorate at home, holding hands walking down steps in the shopping centre, choosing presents. Now these thoughts disappear, will they do so forever, whatever that is, fifteen years in like a prison sentence length, but is it really forever.
I can’t remember if I mentioned that I took a DNA test a few years ago. I wasn’t that anxious to take it as the connections seem so random and scattered depending on who took the test and their relationship to somebody in their family tree. When my report came in the post, I was informed I was 74% Irish, which was very heartening, but I was also 12% Eastern Europe with a little bit of English, Scottish & Spanish. I can understand the Irish connection. But I have no idea about the others. I completed a Family Tree on a website in 2016 in preparation for a large family gathering in Dublin that year. Ever since I have been receiving notifications from the site, sometimes telling me about someone who has created a family tree in some other part of the country/world, wondering if I wanted to add their information to mine. I also receive details of individuals, some still living, some long dead, with information about their percentage connection with me, which becomes more and more distant now, almost to the point of irrelevance. One thing which is interesting, is the number of women over the last almost 200 years that have your Christian name. I must have told you about my mother and grandmother but there are numerous others over time on the direct line and further afield who were also born with that name I remember so well. There are also many who have both birth names the same as you, although that is not so significant as one can change name at marriage or any time, I suppose. I have heard of people finding connections they didn’t know existed, following receipt of DNA results, where close links have unexpectedly turned up. I wonder if that happened to you and I, what either of us would do about it. Would you be tempted to hit on the connection? And what would I do? I could not make an effort to make contact as Data Protection laws would prevent me celebrating the ‘discovery’. I already know the truth anyway. In my heart I feel that you and I will make contact again. I was going to write that I hope it will happen, but my feeling is much stronger than that.
I would like to explore the significance of the connection between you and I in some future letter. If you have ever heard of the suggestion that we live on the shoulders of our ancestors, you may have ignored it, but traits can be passed on down the line, some of our physical features, our nature, our preferences, our political views all buried in among lots of other traits, but which can link our unique selves. This thought is for another day. Save that I know that I will recognise and feel comfortable with you as soon as I see you, as if the past fifteen years had never separated us.
This period is not really my favourite time of the year. Growing up in Ireland, there was never any kind of expectation that we were going to get anything much more that squally showers, some sleet, rarely show, occasionally no actual rain, maybe some sunshine, all in the same day. But the thought of Christmas approaching, release from studies or work, flickering lights and decorations on the trees, presents building up the anticipation, mince pies, Christmas cake and pudding, turkey hanging up to draw all promising so much.
With all my love,
Dad xxx
Letter 79
25-12-2024 (at home)
Dear D,
This is not really like buses, none for ages and then two come along at once. Christmas is that special time, when memories of previous times invade thoughts: the security and joy of my youth spending Christmas in the care of my parents, right up to the time when we were living together, the preparation of buying presents, erecting and decorating the Christmas tree, the pantomime, the excitement in the morning, the visit to church, just so many special things, with no description, just etched on the memory. Now my only recourse is to communicate with you, by writing a letter to you. OK, so you don’t receive it, which makes it a rather different form of communication, some might even say weird and pointless. I’m sure they have some kind of a point, but it totally fails to understand my reason for writing. If our lives had turned out as I expected they would, and we were comfortable being together, I would have no reason to write to you, unless in an emergency or if you were away. That natural feeling of love for one another remains always, without the need to express it. I expected that it would carry us through our future, together or apart, to the level that if you were away for a month, or a year or more, on being together again, would be just like we had never been apart. Now we have been apart for fifteen years! It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, of course I do, as that’s a different emotion; the love I feel for you has remained constant, in fact I know it will remain forever. Love is categorised with other emotions, as if it can appear by magic, to disappear again when inconvenient. But surely love is the greatest of all emotions, to help us be at one with all God’s creation. A commitment that cannot be compromised. Whether we reach the expected level can only be measured by God. The trouble for me when writing to you, is that I have no idea what I am going to say. I don’t expect you will be impressed with my ramblings. If I had the opportunity to have a conversation with you about love, I am sure we would be able to share ideas productively. The real meaning of love is not given enough time or space in our thoughts and communications, but I bet you have strong ideas, as I do, and it would be a pleasure to put them together.
From my memory of you those years ago, you were bright, intelligent and thoughtful, among so many other qualities I could list. I was so optimistic about your future life which I would share with you as you matured into adulthood in the way my parents had encouraged me, without imposing themselves on me. When I think back over that last year or two when we lived together, I could detect a change in your closeness to me, which I put down to you beginning your search for your own future, slowly releasing my hand metaphorically, which you had held firmly. But with undue haste, almost in the blink of an eye, it seemed, you moved out of my world over the space of a week. I had confidence in the Family Court, presuming they would come to civilised and sensible conclusions about the future of our relationship. I didn’t think of it as a fight or battle to win your love, I presumed that was intact. Was I just naïve and trusting, a position I would defend to the end. My presumption that our separation would be short lived was hopelessly wrong. I did have brief glimpses of your school progress, up to your GCSE’s, when privacy laws prevented your schools or university sharing any information about you with me. I still have that naïve feeling that you will re-appear in my life, as if nothing untoward had happened, certainly not on your behalf, and mine too. Circumstances conspired, out of your control or mine, to give you no other choice but to ditch me. It would have been easier at the time for me, in fact you too, if you had been able to tell me you wanted to make your own way, without me in your life as your dad. You could have explained the reasons and I would have accepted them. Now, I do not expect you to explain anything to me, although I will always be available for you to make contact with me. I will love to see you, to listen to you, to hear all about your life and to share any part of mine you would like to hear.
For the now, I hope you have an enjoyable and Holy Christmas among your friends and family and wish you all the very best for 2025. I will try and tell you something about my life in my next letter to you, hopefully soon.
With all my love,
Dad xxx