Letter 38

6^th November 2015

Dear Catherine,

Another month has gone by and we are well into Autumn.  I like this time of year, mainly because of the colour of the trees, with the displays of yellows, browns & reds, but it doesn’t last too long.  After this is my least favourite time of the year in the next months up to Christmas, with nights getting longer and the temperature dropping.  It was Guy Fawkes yesterday and soon Diwali with fireworks.  You might remember Wanda who used to be terrified around this time, hiding in her kennel from the random unexpected noises.  I still have that sign-in icon on my pc you put there showing a dog that looked the image of Wanda.  I think you used love her as well.

So what are you up to at present?  I hope you are attending a university somewhere, maybe outside London.  I’m afraid I get absolutely no information about you, as if you don’t exist.  But of course you do exist and I am sure you are happy doing what you are doing.  Only I can’t share it with you, much as I would love to.  You are trapped in my memory, like in a nightmare, as if I can see you and talk to you, but you can’t see me, you look through me as if I don’t exist.  I expect you have hidden me away in your mind somewhere, such that for you, I don’t exist at the moment.  You have so many other things and relationships to keep your interest.  If I had a conduit to you, I would say don’t worry, don’t think of me, certainly don’t think badly of me, just get on with your life in that caring loving way that I remember and give everything you do your best shot.  Please don’t ever imagine I think badly of you.  You will always be that same daughter I love, I will always want you to be the best you can, through your own efforts and I will never blame you for our separation.  I can’t help feeling that everything happens for a reason, which must make it right, in God’s eyes.  But I can’t also help praying every day that, somehow, someday, hopefully soon, we can be reconciled to continue our relationship.  Dads do care more than you will ever imagine.

What am I up to?  Good question!  I am getting used to living on my own.  My flat is good, better that I would ever have hoped.  It was a complete stroke of luck I found it and the refurbishment I have had done to it has worked out excellently.  I suppose finding the flat and finding myself here feeling content with life, is part of what was meant to happen as well.  So many things were not under my control, by a long shot.  If I wrote a specification for the type of flat I wanted to buy with the limited amount of money at my disposal, this one would have ticked all the boxes more than any other.  Even the builder was great and the fact that I kept my job, helping me to finance the work, in a period of severe recession was beyond my control.  I must say I always did put in the effort to try and make my situation better.  And if I were to talk to you, I would advise you to do the same.  Never give up, always put ‘your best foot forward’ and always work hard.  It is from your own efforts that you will gain a reward, not from relying on others.

I don’t know what has brought all this on.  I would love to be able to communicate with you, but it is not to be, yet the thoughts of you will always be there!  So back to reality -  I am going to Australia on Tuesday for six weeks to visit your step brother Mark and his family.  Actually for the last two weeks we will be in Fiji, which all sounds exciting and I am looking forward to the trip, the furthest I have ever travelled from this country.  I will probably write to you while away and let you know how I am getting on, imagining in my wildest dreams that you can read about it.          

dad  xxx                                                                           at home in Harrow