Letter 24

21^st August 2014

Dear Catherine,

The last month or so have been busy, with first Gavin staying with me.  I’m sure you remember him form Ireland.  He is a tall handsome boy, your first cousin and he was travelling around the South of England, ending in London where he spread his time between Gregor, his brother and me.  He came and helped me at my allotment one day and also cooked a sweet potato curry twice for me which was great; especially as I had been existing on per-cooked meals for what seems like ages, since I had my kitchen re-done and recently I was afraid of using my new induction hob!  Then Veronica, her husband and children Sarah, James & Daniel came over from Belfast and stayed for two and a half weeks.  So now my flat is fully ‘lived in’.  I really wish you could come to see it, I’m sure you would like it and as I said before, you will always be welcome to stay here.

I am always happy when you change your facebook profile picture, so the two you uploaded in the last month were welcome showing you in a new light.  You look confident, stand tall, have a contented look on your face, cuddling Eva your cousin and in the most recent, eating some desert looking directly into the camera, with a lovely complexion and a very pleasant expression.  So I set it as my office desktop background, helping me to become a little familiar your current looks.  I hope you don’t mind; sometimes you almost seem to be communicating out of the screen.  Mostly it makes me very happy to see you look so nice and mature, only sometimes it makes me sad to realise we are not in communication and with no prospect of that changing.  I shudder to imagine you might cut me out forever.  What could I possibly do to change that and convince you I am your loving dad who misses you so much?  I think there is nothing I can do, but pray and hope something will happen to help you change your mind and contact me.  I dreamt of you a week ago, for the first time for ages.  You know dreams, how different unrelated images can knit together.  I was in my father’s chair in the house where I was raised in Dublin.  I could hear you approaching the door from the hall so I tried to hide, not to upset of frighten you.  You came in the room, walked past and turned to take the garment from my head, exposing me and we looked in each others eyes for a moment, without expression or emotion, until the image faded.  I do think about you every day, at least once, sometimes more; maybe with upset if I see something  bad has happened to a young girl, or if I see a dad with a girl, holding hands, looking secure and I often say a prayer to Our Lady to please look after and protect you from harm. 

I am at work now and really need to get down to my work.  I have decided to retire next summer when you turn 18.  Work takes up a large slice of my life, it is fortunate I enjoy it.  I wonder what you hope to do with your life, maybe you could become an architect – I bet you would be good at it and enjoy it too.  Someday, hopefully soon I hope to find out all about your plans, but from you only.

With all my love for now,

dad  xxx                                                                           at work